I have always been fascinated by the psychology of relationships. I often like to go to coffee shops and read a book while drinking my favorite drink: white mocha with a shot of raspberry. I have never been a fan of white chocolate for some reason, but in coffee it tastes delectable.
Anyway, that is not the point of this discussion. As I sit in a coffee shop, I often observe couples on dates and find their nonverbal communication to be fascinating. I can always tell when a couple feels comfortable with each other, or when I think that the couple I am observing is on an awkward first date. I love to watch how the conversation flows (or does not) and how the two interact. Call me creepy, but I think all of us people-watch from time to time.
But let us back up for a moment, if we shall, and talk about an aspect of the flirtation process that is always so awkward no matter who it is with. I am talking about that nonverbal communication known as eye contact. This is generally a result of “the stare.”
I can best describe this in terms of being in a public room with someone you are interested in, so let us take a specific location like school.
During the first week of school, every guy, and I assume every girl, (I have to speak for the guys here since I am one) scopes out who they think is the most attractive person. Once a guy has decided who he likes or deems as the most attractive lady, what follows is usually a series of long intense stares at the desired female. In this initial stage, the goal is to get as many stares in without the other person actually knowing you are staring at them. This is tricky and takes skill because one quick glance from her while you are staring at her could ruin the whole operation. After all, you don’t want her to know that you have been staring at her for like thirty minutes, (even though you have) because that would be ultra creepy, and she would never like you. So the obvious answer is to pretend like you are looking in her general direction and that she just happens to be in your line of sight. A helpful tip would be to focus on other objects or people that are near her to mask your actual intentions. This is a skill that takes practice to master, but must be mastered in order to avoid the often inevitable: her catching your wayward glances in her immediate direction.
Her eyes catching your eyes is not always a bad thing, though. The first time she catches you, a thought in your mind occurs that usually goes something like, “OH CRAP, she saw me, RUN.”. You then immediately look in another direction, pretending that you have not been staring at her. You may not even look back at her for a few minutes to make sure that she knows you are not a creeper and for once, you may actually focus on the teacher! But then, against all logic, you perform the action again; you look back, except this time there is more risk involved, and instead of hoping she is not looking at you, something inside of you is hoping that she is checking you out too.
So let’s say she catches you staring at her, again. What has just developed is an awkward stare down, and neither of you quite knows what is going on. I have found myself in this situation, and it quickly turns into a game of who will give up the stare first. Because as you two sit there staring at each other, feeling stupidly vulnerable, each of you is waiting for the other person to do something, (although you do not quite know what), so you look away and think, “Wow. That was awkward.”Okay so let us fast forward because after all, you probably have more important things to do than read this article.
Anyway, so let us say that this stare down has happened multiple times and multiple days in class. If you both are digging each other, what usually follows is “the smile” stage of the flirting process. And now you are like, “Sweet! We are smiling! This is good! This must mean that she is totally into me!” (Because of course that is what smiling must mean!) So you smile back and feel a bit stupid, but at least smiling is better than staring awkwardly at each other. This continues over a few days in class and you are wondering if anyone else can you see you two smiling in class and you are thinking, “Wow. I wonder how many people are noticing this. I wonder how many are tweeting about the silly lovebirds in class who cannot pay attention because they are so busy smiling at each other.” (Give yourself a break though, because guess what.. nobody cares that you are smiling.. nobody else besides you, the most desperate and love-blinded fool in the room, thinks that there is anything going on between two smiling people.) But who gives a crap. You two are both smiling, and smiling is still really nice.
But my friends, I have saved the best for last. This gesture of our nonverbal human communication is the most significant of all the flirtation processes that are associated between two people. What I am referring to is “the wave.”
Oh yes, if you get her to wave at you, then you have done something special, my friend. Here is this super attractive girl, who, while you may not actually know her that well, has NOT ONLY stared back at you and given you smiles, but is NOW making an effort to extend her arm slightly in the air, not care what the fellow students think, and make a swooshing movement with her hand that says to you, “I want you.” (Because all that effort on her part SCREAMS “I want you!”)
I mean, maybe I’m exaggerating this, but you get the point. She is acknowledging that you exist in this world, so you vulnerably wave back with the same intentions, hoping that she too is understanding that this wave transcends modern interpretations of “the wave,” and screams back “I want you too!” It is no longer a gesture of welcome, but practically a gesture of marriage! I mean, the most attractive (to you) girl in the school just waved at you! –Maybe this is an exaggeration, but only maybe. So you are thinking “Cool. We are waving. This is a really good thing.”
So now that she has stared at you, smiled at you, AND waved at you (practically sealing her commitment to you), you decide to embark on the final stage of this flirt-journey: “The ask-out.” In this final stage, you must carefully choose your time and place, and VERBALLY state your feelings for her. (This can’t be THAT hard, right? You have pretty much done it in every NON-verbal way… right?) So prepare everything carefully, maybe choose a discreet spot.. ya know.. in front of the whole school… where everyone will be able to witness this masterpiece when you, humble-beginnings little you, have the most attractive (to you) girl in the entire school accept your offer of marr—I mean, your offer of a relationship.. Prepare yourself though, because guess what? It turns out that she missed the memo. She somehow did not understand that staring, smiling, and waving are simply prequels to a relationship. And here you are embarking on “the ask-out” stage, when really, you need to be embarking on the “Buy some ben and jerrys and The Notebook, lay out on a comfy couch, and let yourself cry (which you can of course always blame on the high air to dust ratio)” Stage.
I hope this article has brought out something obvious that no one ever talks about but that we all can associate with: the many awkward and painful stages of the flirt-journey. I hope my over-analyzing nature has brought comfort to you and that you know you are not alone in this crazy world. That is all for now, until I come up with some more awkward moments to share.
-Levi Ouimet
